Depression is a funny thing. Well… not funny ha ha, but you know funny. I am definitely depressed right now. It is all I can do to not cry pretty much everywhere I am. It is weird too because I don’t think that things are generally that much worse than they have been previously.
The easy answer is to say it is work. My position gets worse almost by the day. Used to be that once or twice a year they made the job worse, but lately it has been two or three times a month. And it is past being unbearable to be there. But I don’t think it is just that, I mean it’s been pretty bad for a very long time now anyway and a lot of the things they are doing to make it worse don’t even necessarily affect me anyway.
It could partially have to do with the fact that I am now living on my own for the first time and maybe I’m a little lonely. Though that doesn’t seem right either. My former roommate is at my house almost all the time now anyway, and I’ve always liked solitude.
I do think part of it is that, because of living on my own and purchasing a new car, I have less expendable money than I have had for awhile and so I just can’t even leave my house if I even wanted to. This definitely has its complications and isn’t good going into the winter where I can’t just get up and go do something outside, it’s far too cold for that.
There is also something to the fact that everyone around me is super depressed and that I think has an affect on me. Even my cat has been depressed in the last month, though she is getting better as she gets more used to the new cat. Still, seeing her less playful day in and day out definitely makes me more sad than I might normally be.
Whatever the reason, I do think that this is the first real time that I have been depressed in my life. I don’t mean to say that lightly either. There have definitely been times in my life where i thought I was depressed. I was sad and down on myself and all that, but now comparing it, I honestly feel like everyone just has those times where they aren’t feeling happy and that is normal. That isn’t depression, that is just the cycle of life.
A good example of what I mean comes with video games. Many people think that those who are “addicted” to video games and play a large number of hours are depressed and are using video games as a form of escapism from the troubles of life. I don’t necessarily think that video games aren’t escapism, and I’ve always tended to agree to a certain point. But now, in the midst of what I know to be a real depression, I can’t bring myself to play video games for the most part. It is a really strange thing for me too as I can’t recall a time in my entire life where I had time to play, and games to play, but no desire to play at all.
I don’t think anything describes true depression better than that. A lack of desire to do anything at all, even those things that normally you would love and use to escape from reality. I used to be able to go to my computer and just do random crap for hours on end, gaming, blogging, surfing and more. Now I often find myself just coming up and sitting at the computer staring at the screen not sure what to do.
Being depressed isn’t a feeling of being sad per say… I think it is a feeling of being lost that really makes it so devastating.