I have recently begun going to a therapist because of late I seem to be going down some bad paths. In my mind’s eye I feel that I am clearly depressed, I have many of the symptoms of depression. I sleep a lot, eat a lot, never feel happy, never really want to do anything and my need to escape into games has gone up drastically.
The fact that I am depressed while going to a therapist is a bit of a quandary for me. I can’t actually tell him about my depression and I generally have to lead him on that I am fine and just having some difficulties that I need to work through. That is because I don’t want medication. To me the whole reason I go to a therapist is to work through my issues, not to get a quick fix for it. I don’t want a quick fix, I want a real one. I wouldn’t have to go to a therapist if all I wanted was drugs.
It is too bad, it makes me unable to truly trust him and to get the amount of help that I probably fully need, but I really need to get help regardless. You see, I have some real issues. Over the last year I have been seeing my life getting worse and worse. Some of this is just random bad luck. For instance, having financial hardships because my roommate is unable to find a part-time job while she is going to school. That isn’t anyone’s fault, it really just sort of happens.
However, I do feel many things are my fault. I think I am currently in a very self-destructive cycle. I am snapping at people and making them angry really quickly. I already feel like I have lost a couple of friends to this. I do stupid things, that I know is going to anger people but I do them anyway. I know I’ve lost one really good friend because of this too. I’ve overstepped bounds, I’ve been rude, disrespectful, etc. If you can think of something that I have done to alienate people from my life, I have done it.
I have no real idea why I am doing it, and I have no real idea how to stop. I can only equate it to some sort of cutter who is purposely causing themselves pain, somehow gaining pleasure from the pain. I don’t really think I am getting pleasure out of this, but it is somehow eerily similar to a normal cutter.
I feel like I am pushing myself down this self destructive road where I will eventually just pull the trigger and end it. I am suicidal, I have thought about it a number of times. But I haven’t really wanted to do it. I don’t particularly believe in the practice. However, maybe what I am doing is pushing myself there anyway. After all, if life gets bad enough, surely it will get to a point where even those who don’t like suicide will do it regardless of anything else. And I am heading there I know it.
It is too bad that I cannot actually talk to my therapist about much of this, or else it would make it worse in different ways. So that even if I do work through it I will live with it for the rest of my life. Truth be told, I just assume die instead of living with issues I have now for the rest of my life. I will just have to figure out how to work through it on my own and the few little tidbits that I feel I can actually send to my therapist.