My roommate and I were talking over dinner and in the topic we were discussing, I mentioned that one of my ex’s I had found out fairly recently had gotten married. This got me thinking about past girlfriends and love interests and one thing I realized… during that time period, I was able to attract some really good looking women.

Such is youth I guess. I had a couple of interests whom I think were way above the level that I could likely get now, or at least that is my perception of things. And I’ll be honest in saying there were a couple more along the same lines that also were interested in me that I never bothered with for various reasons.1

Thinking about this makes me think about where I am now. Back then, I was so self-confident, something I lack now. I do weigh a bunch more now, and I think this might be part of it. But I am to the point where I honestly don’t know how to talk to women anymore and I don’t know where to meet them, I know nothing.

And here is this ex (well sort of ex), married with four children. FOUR! I mean good lord. I was shocked by that, still am. I am remember her problems, her issues. She was great and in another situation I probably would have done well with her. I can picture her and I growing older together, probably not with four kids, but I can see it. And it is just weird seeing where she actually is.

I’d like to meet my previous self. To see how I’ve changed. To see what makes me so less desirable to others than now. Maybe I’m not, outside my weight. Maybe that’s just my negativity, hard to tell. I do feel like I’m probably more negative about life now, and I feel like I joke more now, and I definitely feel like I have a harder time now talking to others. Not in the case of being able to talk to them in the first place, but more in the case of when I am talking to someone, I no longer know how to relate. I don’t know what to say next. I feel like I used to be able to do that better. What happened to that? How do I get it back? How do I stop joking about everything? How do I let someone in.

I don’t know the answer to any of that. The only thing I can really control is my weight. At the time, I weighed about 185, this was about 12 years ago… now… I’m up to about 240. Nearing 60 pounds in weight gain. Yikes.

At the time, I worked a job which had me on my feet the entire day, walking back and forth. And then I was also going to the athletic club working out.

I did also dip in weight when I was taking Hepatitis C medicine. I wasn’t eating much and when I was, it just came out right away anyway.

I feel like I need to just stop eating wholesale. I also think I need to take an hour a night to go and workout somehow or somewhere. I need to get my weight down. Maybe the other things will follow.

Show 1 footnote

  1. An example as to why is that one of them smoked, and even back then I had drawn that line that I won’t date smokers.