A Picture of Who I Want to Be.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about where I am in life and where I want to go. This does correspond with my previous post where I was thinking of ex’s of the past. I was thinking about all the changes they have gone through in life, and then seen where previous friends have gone in their lives and then where I am in mine. I do feel insufficient, though I do feel that I’ve accomplished a lot.

I don’t want to take away from what I’ve done. I am a Hemophiliac that has always had foot problems and lately had elbow problems. I’ve overcome Hepatitis C. I’ve dropped out of high school and then graduated from UW-Madison.1 I’ve found in a job in a tech related field that I can live off of for the most part, I got promoted in that job because they believe in me even though they barely hired me in the first part. I feel like I’ve come a long way, but I have a long way to go. So this is who I want to be, and a lot of this is just mannerisms, not just career goals.

I want to weigh less than 200 pounds and maintain it. I finally bought myself a scale and weighed myself this morning at a whopping 253.4. I’ll be honest in saying this is the most I’ve ever weighed, and a lot of it I put on the fact that I work in a very sedentary position. I think back and I do feel like I was happiest with myself when I was 195, and honestly even then I wanted to get to 180. I feel my ideal weight is 185, but I’ll take anything below 200. That is a big goal of nearly 60 pounds. And oh yes, I want to do this before summer (3 months) which is going to require some hardcore dieting on my part.

Over the years I’ve picked up a mannerism which annoys me to hell. That is that my hands are constantly search my face and my scalp for zits to pop or scabs to pick. I really hate this feature of mine and I really want to stop it. I realize this is gross and I can’t imagine that it is helping me at all be able to attract women.

I want to become more self-confident. I will be honest in saying that I don’t think very highly of myself. I do feel like a lot of this will come with weight loss, and I know I’d get self-confidence if I was with someone romantically.2 Outside of fixing myself I don’t really know how to get self confidence so I hope the above actually works!

I want to remember how to interact with people. There are many reasons why I have problems with this now, but I’m not really sure if any of them are correct. But when I am talking to someone who is talking about some random thing, I often have no idea how to respond. I don’t know how to sound interested, I don’t know how to add anything to the conversation, I have somehow forgotten this. I don’t think I was ever particularly good at this, but I was definitely better at this before than I am now.

And heck, for that matter, I want to remember! I have a terrible memory, and I feel like it is getting worse. I don’t know how to fix this either, but I think it needs to get fixed. I need to be able to remember common events going on. I need to remember to do stuff. I need to remember how to do stuff. I need to remember.

I want to attract a lady. It is time I get back in the game, it has been too long.

I want to own a Hybrid car. Yes it’s materialistic. Oh I should add to this that I want it to be a NEW car. I’ve never owned a new car to date in my life, and I do think this is a mark of being grown up and self-sufficient.

I’d like to be able to afford a $200 remote control or $100 pen. I’m not really sure how much I want to own these things, but I do want to be able to afford them. I want to be able to look at these really expensive items and be able to not worry about the price hurting me.

I’d like to be my own boss in one way or another. I don’t think I play well with authority, I think that is a given. The best solution is not to deal with authority. Whether it is through owning my own arcade or writing novels, I don’t really care. I just want to be able to work at my own pace on my own thing for my money rather being under someone else’s ball and chain.

I’m sure I’m missing a thing or two, but in a nutshell, this is who I want to. It is up to me to be this person and I don’t know how to do most of it. But hopefully I can force me to be this.

Show 2 footnotes

  1. This I am proud of for so many reasons. I’ve dreamed of going to UW since I was young, and I did it while being a high school drop out. Plus it is a school that requires a lot of walking which was a challenge for my disability. I couldn’t be more proud of this accomplishment in my life.
  2. Historically this has been very much true for me. Even for 6 – 12 months after a break up, I am at the top of my game. I am sure this is true for most, but I do find that cyclical nature of this ironic. It takes a woman to get a woman <sigh>.